He Who Has A Why To Live For ...

2001-06-05T00:59:00.000-04:00

I know why...............................She is why............................but who is she?

2001-05-21T10:23:00.000-04:00

If God isnt going to answer my prayers, why does he continue to let me live? I'd rather be dead then live this empty life ...

2001-05-20T23:14:00.000-04:00

I hate my life!! Nothing is going my way ., I want to leave this place but there is no where to go. I try to run to leave my problems behind but where ever I go they follow me. Why is my life such horror ...

2001-05-20T16:06:00.000-04:00

Nothing new really ... I was on the phone with Jamie and Sarah for like 3 hours last night. I just wanna tell Sarah how I feel about her and hold her in my arms like everything is great., but i cant. It would be selfish of me to do that ... Im leaving in June and however much I want someone to love, I will be leaving shortly. I have to tell her though, I dont know if I can leave without saying something (Even though she likes Kent) I have to tell her so she can try to imagine us as being something other than friends in her mind so that it wont be so weird to think of when I come back. I pray that she likes me enough to feel the same way about me. Her and Jamie (and Kent) should be coming over tonight. Ill just be myself and continue with the same prayer that I have been saying for the last 4 years, and hopefully God will answer. Screw what people think, screw everything that holds me back from being me, screw the world for being so cynical and judgemental ... its time for me to jump in with both feet and not care how deep the water below is.

2001-05-19T20:19:00.000-04:00

Im sick of hanging out with all my friends who have bfs or gfs. I went to the movies with them last night ... I was the 3rd wheel and felt extremely out of place. I was supposed to go out with them again tonight but screw them ... im sick of tagging along bc everyone feels bad for me! What the hell is going on in my life??

2001-05-17T17:13:00.000-04:00

Today I finally started to calm down ... Im not so sure why. Sarah is such a sweety, I dont know what she would say if she knew i liked her. I dont know if I have the guts for it. She is in love with some sophmore now. I dont have a chance b/t now and June 27th ... so I wont hurt the friendship. I think Ill surprise her with plenty of letters and really trying to keep in touch, bc even if i do find someone, She is a great friend to hold on to. I doubt her and this guy will last, He is too shy. I dont know why I like her so much. I guess she almost fits my idea of the ideal girl exactly.

My perfect girl -->Obviously attractive, funny, immature but knows when to be serious ... Its hard to explain, I need someone who can be a moron sometime and not care, someone who doesnt get embarresed by anything
But at the same time I need someone who would do anything for me and I would do anything for her, someone who will listen to me bitch and love me more because I share my problems with her

Does she even exist? Everytime I think I found someone who is sooooo great, they turn out to think their someone else isnt me.

2001-05-16T21:17:00.000-04:00

I dont think Ive ever been this upset. I feel like im going to throw up!!

2001-05-16T19:45:00.000-04:00

So, ive got nobody ... this is all i think about it and I feel helpless. I dont really have anyone that I like enough to go after. My life feels so empty!

2001-05-16T09:28:00.000-04:00

Does anyone even hear my prayers? Why do I bother any more when they have gone unanswered for 4 years?

2001-05-15T22:21:00.000-04:00

The final question that im leaving with today: What the hell is wrong with me???

2001-05-15T22:07:00.000-04:00

I realized today in the midst of all my own bitching ... that rich really is my best friend in the world. I would do anything for him, I dont care how pissed I am. I will always help him before I take care of my own problems. Sometimes it hurts but one day Im going to need his help ... and he will be there!!

2001-05-15T20:43:00.000-04:00

USAFA 09 (8:13:56 PM): i think its funny, all these people value my opinion on relationships and i cant even get into one
USAFA 09 (8:14:36 PM): i'd love to have these problems ... that would mean id have someone to have these problems with
DevilishSmile212 (8:14:38 PM): yeah, yeah
USAFA 09 (8:14:48 PM): im dead serious
DevilishSmile212 (8:14:50 PM): hehehe... trust me it's not all that great to argue
USAFA 09 (8:14:59 PM): its better than sitting at home alone
USAFA 09 (8:15:14 PM): or going and hanging out with your friends and their dates
DevilishSmile212 (8:15:17 PM): true true
USAFA 09 (8:15:19 PM): thats really cool
DevilishSmile212 (8:15:29 PM): but I've got a bf and I'm still sitting home alone
USAFA 09 (8:15:50 PM): yea, but you have someone to call
USAFA 09 (8:16:08 PM): i dunno, it just sux
USAFA 09 (8:16:45 PM): right now ... my stomach is in like the hugest knot
DevilishSmile212 (8:16:56 PM): he's out playing basketball with Sheehy ( I saw his car there)
DevilishSmile212 (8:17:00 PM): why's that?
USAFA 09 (8:17:08 PM): i dunno, im just totally stressed out
DevilishSmile212 (8:17:25 PM): about girls?
USAFA 09 (8:17:25 PM): ive been a shitty mood for like a week
USAFA 09 (8:17:30 PM): yea pretty much
USAFA 09 (8:17:37 PM): i just hide it well at school
DevilishSmile212 (8:17:50 PM): what's wrong?
USAFA 09 (8:18:11 PM): i dunno ... just feeling like everyone has someone, but me
USAFA 09 (8:18:22 PM): its making me very eager to leave
DevilishSmile212 (8:19:34 PM): aww... but everyone luvs you
USAFA 09 (8:19:44 PM): yea, that makes it worse
USAFA 09 (8:19:57 PM): ive got all these friends ... but thats all they are
USAFA 09 (8:20:00 PM): FRIENDS
USAFA 09 (8:20:06 PM): i guess i want something more
USAFA 09 (8:20:08 PM): i dunno
DevilishSmile212 (8:20:27 PM): it makes sense. but you'll find someone... I promise you that you will
USAFA 09 (8:20:40 PM): i probably have more friends now then ive ever had in my life ... and ive never been more upset
DevilishSmile212 (8:21:20 PM): you'll meet plenty of girls between now and when you get out of college
USAFA 09 (8:21:39 PM): yea i think of that ., but it doesnt help
DevilishSmile212 (8:22:32 PM): is the problem that you aren't meeting the girls, or that maybe you are but can't do anything about it?
USAFA 09 (8:23:36 PM): i cant seem to find a girl that likes me as much as i like them
DevilishSmile212 (8:23:54 PM): oh
USAFA 09 (8:24:07 PM): like ill like a girl ... tell her and she doesnt seem to care
DevilishSmile212 (8:24:26 PM): ouch, that's not cool
USAFA 09 (8:24:39 PM): i used to be upfront with my feelings, but rejection kinda makes you back off on that
DevilishSmile212 (8:25:00 PM): I'm sorry to hear that
USAFA 09 (8:25:39 PM): oh well, i can live with a bit of rejection ... it happens, i just wish i could balance it with the other side of things
DevilishSmile212 (8:26:07 PM): hehehe.. that'd make things better
USAFA 09 (8:26:12 PM): the worst is when i have to go to school and act all nice when i really just wanna freak out, lol
DevilishSmile212 (8:26:48 PM): I totally understand that! I have to do that all the time
USAFA 09 (8:27:07 PM): yea, it sux ... bc god forbid i have a bad day
DevilishSmile212 (8:27:40 PM): hehehe
DevilishSmile212 (8:27:50 PM): everyone would be so scared

2001-05-15T20:38:00.000-04:00

I hate this place and I want to leave ... there is nothing here for me!

I sit her waiting
I know not where to look
I stand up pacing
I know not where to go

Who and where
I cannot see
Over there?
She hides from me.

My friends they say
"Good times will follow"
Yet, I find this day ...
O, so hard to swallow.

Looking round each turn and bend,
I know not where to find "God send!"

2001-05-14T23:00:00.000-04:00

DaGoale (10:45:20 PM): oh
USAFA 09 (10:45:25 PM): with my luck ... shell bring danny, jamie will bring stover and i will feel extra out of place
DaGoale (10:49:00 PM): u wont
USAFA 09 (10:49:19 PM): sure
DaGoale (10:49:27 PM): she isnt though

2001-05-14T22:51:00.000-04:00

Ok ... so I saw Jamie and Brian today, and realized that I really am totally over Jamie. It was pretty cool. Im glad to be over that shit because it was way too difficult. Im going to invite some people over for Saturday. I dont know what I think about Sarah but Ill find out soon enough!

Rich is breaking up with Megan, and im pretty sure he likes erin. I dont know what the hell he is going to do when i leave. I keep putting pieces togethor in his relationship and giving him advice. Im worried that he is going to do something stupid when im gone. Its pretty ironic that everyone comes to me for help and advice on a subject that I have no real knowledge of.

If he who has a why to live for can bare any how .... what is my why??

I dont know what the hell to think...My life is sooooo screwed up. All of my friends think so highly of me, but i cant seem to get anyone to want to be more than friends. It might sound weird but im sick of fixing other peoples problems, I want some problems of my own to fix. I dont think ive ever been more frustrated in my entire life!!!

As for the Sarah thing, I really just love talking to her. I intentionally go try and find her in the hallway, just so i can say hi. She just thinks im a nice guy. I dont know how to say anything to her, because I know it would make things extremely awkward. I just wish I could see some sort of sign that she likes me. That would make things so much easier. Everyone else seems to have all of this luck where the person they like, likes them back ... and they know it. I always have to go into these things blind. I hate putting myself out there bc i always get disappointed. Hell, last time i opened up I got hurt by Katie. It seems like im the only one of my friends without a significant other ... im always the third wheel. Everyone wants me to be there and hangout and they enjoy my company (and i like them) but i would feel more natural if i had someone else who was there just for me....

2001-05-13T23:34:00.000-04:00

Hell I dont know what the hell is going on in my life. Im not really sure if i like anyone at this point ... All i know is that I want someone to like me back sooner or later. Im not looking to get married, but I need something to make me feel good about myself and I definitely need someone for support!

2001-05-13T13:12:00.000-04:00

Did I speak too soon? Damn my head hurts ...

USAFA 09 (1:00:11 PM): so, is brian back or what?
HugzNkisses0212 (1:00:39 PM): hmm.. i don't wanna talk about it =o(
USAFA 09 (1:00:45 PM): awww
HugzNkisses0212 (1:02:03 PM): pobre Jamie
USAFA 09 (1:02:26 PM): si, que pasa con eso
HugzNkisses0212 (1:03:16 PM): he was being a dick when I called him today

2001-05-13T10:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, here is what is going on right now. I am totally over the entire Jamie thing. I dont know why or how but I have come to the realization that I dont have a chance and if she were to break up with Stover today ... I dont think that I would care. Life is too short for me to care about someone who isnt even remotely interested. Now, Ive started to like Sarah a lot. This is probably the first girl that I have started to like for a reason that wasnt purely physical. Dont get me wrong, Sarah is a hotty, but I started liking her because I enjoy talking to her so much. Honestly, I could talk and joke with her for hours on end without getting bored. I stayed up till nearly 1 talking to her the night before Federal Inspection. I dont know if I have a shot but Im going to keep hanging out with her and see what develops. I wish I could just say these things to her but it is so much more complicated than that. It would be far easier if she were someone I didnt know very well or if I didnt care if she got upset with me, but that is far from the case. If I say something and she says no ... Im afraid she wont want to hang out with me any more and will feel uncomfortable around me. I really need someone to be more than a friend and I think and hope that it could be her. I only hope that I will somehow here that she is interested in me. All the while rich is deciding between 2 girls and I cant even get a handle on one. Im kinda jealous, not because of who the girls are (im not interested in them) but because of the situation. I just dont feel wanted. I dont have any idea what to do. My instinct is to jump right in, but that instinct has gotten me into trouble and gotten me hurt. Prayer doesnt seem to be working because Ive been doing it for 4 years asking for the same thing and I havent gotten my answer yet. I have to wonder if God even cares ... Oh well im outta here for now, hopefully something new will develop. There is always that girl im meeting next weekend who will be going to the Academy. Who the hell knows?